Sew sew...

I am not a seamstress.  I can sew a relatively straight line but that is about it.   My mother didn't sew, her mother didn't sew, I don't sew- you get the picture, we are not sewing women.  Oddly enough my grandfather's father came here from Russia and was a tailor.

It seems the sewing side of our line stopped there.

Despite being sewing challenged, I decided to tackle some curtains for our bedroom.  Because I am a sadist like that.

I will warn you that if you are the sewing type you are about to lay witness to a multitude of sewing sins.  Seriously, it is about to get all Sodom and Gomorrah up in here.

First I found my fabric...

This is the same fabric that Miss.Mustard Seed is using in her bedroom.  On an entire wall and it's gorgeous.  I am not that brave.  So I decided to use it to make some curtains.  Normally I use painter's drop cloths as my curtains, because again, I don't sew- but I had visions of me humming away while the fabric fell under the spell of my Kenmore sewing machine and magically transformed into beautiful flowing panels.

Then I woke up.

So here is my step by step tutorial on how to fake make curtain panels.

Step one:  Measure.

I put the fabric with the outsides facing each other....

I put the painters drop cloth down and lay out the material on top of it.  Then I measured, more than once, the length allowing myself a bit extra for the hem.  While thinking about the measurements and if it made sense I ate a rice crispy treat.

Feeling as if I may need to follow the old adage of 'measure twice, cut once'  I measured again.  I also ate another rice crispy treat.

Step Two: Sew the top part, fabric inside out.

I had some drop cloth that was wider than the fabric- no worries, I will cut that later.

Step Three: Pin the sides of the fabric.  Don't worry that it is 'inside out'....you will fix that later.

This is my sewing assistant.  As you can see he is working hard...assisting.

Step Four:  After you have sewn the sides trim off the extra liner (drop cloth).

Step Five:  Heat up your iron.  If you are like me this process might take a while since the iron is not something I use often and I forget how to turn it on and set it...

 Step Six:  Sew the inside seams flat.  I am feeling pretty smug at this point as if I am re-writing my sewing history.

 Step Seven:  Turn material rightside out (kind of like a pillowcase) the material at the bottom will be the bottom hem....since it is on the bottom and all. (I really just want to see how many times I can say 'bottom' in one step) Fold over and sew.

Step Eight:  HANGING!  Get a ladder, your curtain panel, scissors....yes, scissors....and hardware.
Now this is going to sound crazy after I went to all the trouble to sew the panels, but to hang mine on the galvanized pipe and the fence attachment thingys I have to cut the fabric (small hole) to accommodate the bolts.  If I were sewing savvy I would probably do button holes instead of chopping into my fabric, but by this point in the tutorial I am quite sure you are aware of my sewing shortcomings.

Frankenstein bolts...

It was at this moment in the installation I realized that despite my measuring twice, the panels were too short.  I returned to the kitchen to finish the rest of the rice crispy treats while crying.

Step Nine: Fix problem of curtains being too short.  "I have burlap ribbon...thick, could be added...Oh! and fabric glue!  I have fabric glue! I can fix this."

Step Ten: Admire your work even though it is not perfect.  Congratulate yourself on your sewing prowess.  Know that your great Grandfather is probably rolling in his grave.